⌘

app/components/static_pages/home.rb

@@ -1,9 +1,10 @@
 # frozen_string_literal: true
 
 class Components::StaticPages::Home < Components::StaticPages::Base
-  def initialize(stats:, user:)
+  def initialize(stats:, user:, flavor_text:)
     @stats = stats
     @user = user
+    @flavor_text = flavor_text
   end
 
   def view_template
@@ -16,7 +17,7 @@ class Components::StaticPages::Home < Components::StaticPages::Base
 
   private
 
-  attr_reader :stats, :user
+  attr_reader :stats, :user, :flavor_text
 
   def header_section
     header(style: "display: flex; justify-content: space-between; align-items: flex-start; flex-wrap: wrap; gap: 16px; padding-bottom: 24px; margin-bottom: 24px; border-bottom: 1px solid var(--borderColor-default, #d0d7de);") do
@@ -25,7 +26,10 @@ class Components::StaticPages::Home < Components::StaticPages::Base
           plain "Welcome back, "
           strong { user&.name || "friend" }
         end
-        h1(style: "font-size: 2rem; font-weight: 300; margin: 0;") { "Your CDN Stash" }
+        h1(style: "font-size: 2rem; font-weight: 300; margin: 0;") { "Hack Club CDN" }
+        div(style: "margin-top: 8px;") do
+          render(Primer::Beta::Label.new(scheme: :secondary)) { flavor_text }
+        end
       end
 
       div(style: "display: flex; gap: 8px; flex-wrap: wrap;") do

app/components/static_pages/logged_out.rb

@@ -1,8 +1,9 @@
 # frozen_string_literal: true
 
 class Components::StaticPages::LoggedOut < Components::StaticPages::Base
-  def initialize(stats:)
+  def initialize(stats:, flavor_text:)
     @stats = stats
+    @flavor_text = flavor_text
   end
 
   def view_template
@@ -15,7 +16,7 @@ class Components::StaticPages::LoggedOut < Components::StaticPages::Base
 
   private
 
-  attr_reader :stats
+  attr_reader :stats, :flavor_text
 
   def header_section
     header(style: "display: flex; justify-content: space-between; align-items: flex-start; flex-wrap: wrap; gap: 16px; padding-bottom: 24px; margin-bottom: 24px; border-bottom: 1px solid var(--borderColor-default, #d0d7de);") do
@@ -24,9 +25,10 @@ class Components::StaticPages::LoggedOut < Components::StaticPages::Base
           plain "Hack Club CDN"
           sup(style: "font-size: 0.5em; margin-left: 4px;") { "v4" }
         end
-        p(style: "color: var(--fgColor-muted, #656d76); margin: 0; max-width: 600px;") do
+        p(style: "color: var(--fgColor-muted, #656d76); margin: 0 0 8px; max-width: 600px;") do
           plain "File hosting for Hack Clubbers."
         end
+        render(Primer::Beta::Label.new(scheme: :secondary)) { flavor_text }
       end
 
       div(style: "display: flex; gap: 8px; flex-wrap: wrap;") do

app/controllers/static_pages_controller.rb

@@ -2,6 +2,7 @@ class StaticPagesController < ApplicationController
   skip_before_action :require_authentication!, only: [:home]
 
   def home
+    @flavor_text = FlavorTextService.new(user: current_user).generate
     if signed_in?
       @user_stats = CDNStatsService.user_stats(current_user)
     else

app/services/flavor_text_service.rb

@@ -0,0 +1,179 @@
+# frozen_string_literal: true
+
+class FlavorTextService
+  include ActionView::Helpers::NumberHelper
+
+  def initialize(user: nil, env: Rails.env, deterministic: true)
+    @user = user
+    @env = env
+    @seed = deterministic ? Time.now.to_i / 5.minutes : Random.new_seed
+    @random = Random.new(@seed)
+  end
+
+  def generate
+    flavor_text = sample
+    flavor_text = flavor_text.call if flavor_text.respond_to? :call
+
+    flavor_text
+  end
+
+  def flavor_texts
+    [
+      "bytes bytes bytes bytes bytes",
+      "A hard drive stuffed with cat photos",
+      "The Hack Foundation dba The File Store",
+      "Open on weekends",
+      "Open on holidays",
+      "please don't hack",
+      "Contentedly Delivering Nonsense",
+      "Cool Dino Network",
+      "Compressed Data Nuggets",
+      "Cozy Digital Nest",
+      "Open late",
+      "Now in color!",
+      "Filmed on location",
+      "Soon to be a major blockchain!",
+      "As seen on the internet",
+      "Most viewed site on this domain!",
+      "Coming to a browser near you",
+      "#{@random.rand 4..9}0% bug free!",
+      "#{@random.rand 1..4}0% fewer bugs!",
+      'Now with "code"',
+      "Holds lots of bytes",
+      "Educational!",
+      "Don't use while driving",
+      "Support local file hosting!",
+      "Take frequent breaks!",
+      "Technically good!",
+      "Operating at a loss since 2025!",
+      "Does anyone actually read this?",
+      "Like and subscribe!",
+      "As seen on cdn.hackclub.com",
+      "As seen on hackclub.com",
+      "Now running in production!",
+      "put files in computer",
+      "TODO: get that bread",
+      "Coming soon to a screen near your face",
+      "Coming soon to a screen near you",
+      "As seen on the internet",
+      "Operating at a loss so you don't have to",
+      "It holds files!",
+      "uwu",
+      "owo",
+      "ovo",
+      "An important part of this nutritional breakfast",
+      "By people with files, for people with files",
+      'Made using "files"',
+      "Chosen #1 by dinosaurs everywhere",
+      "IT departments HATE them",
+      "Congratulations, you are the #{number_with_delimiter(10**@random.rand(1..5))}th visitor!",
+      "You've got this",
+      "Don't forget to drink water!",
+      "Putting the 'fun' in 'upload'",
+      "Putting the 'fun' in 'cloud storage'",
+      "Putting the 'do' in 'download'",
+      "Putting the 'based' in 'cloud-based hosting'",
+      "Putting the 'host' in 'ghost'",
+      "Putting the 'sus' in 'sustainable bandwidth'",
+      "Open on weekdays!",
+      "Open on #{Date.today.strftime("%A")}s",
+      "??? storage!",
+      "Did you see the size of that #{%w[image video file].sample(random: @random)}?!",
+      "Guess how much it costs to run this thing!",
+      "Bytes served fresh daily by Cloudflare",
+      "Running with Ruby on Rails #{Rails.gem_version.canonical_segments.first}",
+      "Now with 1% downtime!",
+      "Achievement unlocked!",
+      "#{@random.rand(10..50)},#{@random.rand(100..999).to_s.rjust(3, '0')} lines of code",
+      "Your move, Dropbox",
+      "If you can read this, the page's status code is 200",
+      "If you can read this, the page has loaded",
+      "Now go and upload yourself something nice",
+      "[Insert splash text here]",
+      "Condemned by the sheriff of storage",
+      "Coded on location",
+      'Voted "3rd"',
+      "You are now breathing manually",
+      "If you can read this, thanks!",
+      "(or similar product)",
+      "[OK]",
+      "tell your parents it's educational",
+      "You found the 3rd Easter egg on the site",
+      "The best site you're using right now",
+      "It Is What It Is",
+      "Made in Vermont, with love",
+      "Your move S3!",
+      "Flash plugin failed to load",
+      "Upload, they said",
+      "U want sum storage?",
+      "Check the back of this page for an exclusive promo code!",
+      "You've found the 5th easter egg on the site!",
+      "A folder is fine too",
+      "Welcome to #{%w[data storage].sample(random: @random)} town, population: you",
+      "So... what's your favorite file format?",
+      "<span style='font-size: 2px !important'>If you can read this you've got tiny eyes</span>".html_safe,
+      "Page loaded in: < 24 hrs (I hope)",
+      "Old and improved!",
+      "Newly loaded!",
+      "Refreshing! (if you keep hitting ⌘+R)",
+      "Recommended by people somewhere!",
+      "Recommended by people in some places!",
+      "Recommended by hackers on this site!",
+      "Recommended by me!",
+      "Recommended by Hack Club!",
+      "Recommended by the recommend-o-tron 3000",
+      "Recommended! (probably)",
+      "Please stow your files in the upright and locked position",
+      "Loaded in #{@random.rand(10..35)}ms... jk– i don't actually know how long it took",
+      "Loaded in #{@random.rand(10..35)}ms... jk– i can't count",
+      "Turns out it's hard to make one of these things",
+      "TODO: come up with some actual jokes for this box",
+      "asdgfhjdk I'm out of jokes",
+      "Send your jokes to nora@hackclub.com",
+      "You're looking great today :)",
+      "Great! You're here!",
+      "You need to wake up",
+      "you need to wake up! Pinch yourself",
+      "stop dreaming, you need to wake up!",
+      "Are you suuuuure you aren't a robot?",
+      "Show emotion here if you aren't a robot",
+      "Your ad here!",
+      "Are you feeling lucky?",
+      "...and you can take that to the cloud",
+      "Ever just wonder... why?",
+      "Redstone update out now!",
+      "educational edition",
+      "Where's the file lebowski?!",
+      "We put the 'fun' in 'cloud storage' (there isn't any)",
+      "Not responsible for any major data loss!",
+      "In today's internet?!",
+      "Send us your best haiku!",
+      "«⋄⇠◇«─◆─»⇢$$$⇠«─◆─»◇⇢⋄»",
+      "¸¸.•*📁*•.¸¸¸.•*📁*•.¸¸¸.•*📁*•.¸¸¸.•*📁*•.¸",
+      "◥◤◢◤◢📁📁📁◣◥◣◥◤",
+      "store no evil",
+      "byte me",
+      "not running on the blockchain!",
+      "not available offline!",
+      "as seen online",
+      "online only!",
+      "new strawberry flavor!",
+      "same classic taste",
+      "<marquee scrollamount='5'>📁📁📁</marquee>".html_safe,
+      -> { "#{@random.rand(5..50)} users online" },
+      "Raccoon-tested, dinosaur-approved.",
+      "original recipe!",
+      "now sugar-free!",
+      "low-sodium edition",
+      'we put the ":3" in "S3"!',
+      "do not adjust your monitor.",
+      "only #{@random.rand(5..50)} missing #{["file", "files"].sample(random: @random)}!",
+    ]
+  end
+
+  private
+
+  def sample
+    flavor_texts.sample(random: @random)
+  end
+end

app/views/layouts/application.html.erb

@@ -35,6 +35,16 @@
 
   <body>
     <%= render(Components::HeaderBar.new) if signed_in? %>
+    <% if flash[:notice] || flash[:alert] %>
+      <div style="max-width: 768px; margin: 16px auto; padding: 0 16px;">
+        <% if flash[:notice] %>
+          <%= render(Primer::Beta::Flash.new(scheme: :success, icon: :check)) { flash[:notice] } %>
+        <% end %>
+        <% if flash[:alert] %>
+          <%= render(Primer::Beta::Flash.new(scheme: :danger, icon: :alert)) { flash[:alert] } %>
+        <% end %>
+      </div>
+    <% end %>
     <%= yield %>
   </body>
 </html>

app/views/static_pages/home.html.erb

@@ -1,5 +1,5 @@
 <% if signed_in? %>
-  <%= render Components::StaticPages::Home.new(stats: @user_stats, user: current_user) %>
+  <%= render Components::StaticPages::Home.new(stats: @user_stats, user: current_user, flavor_text: @flavor_text) %>
 <% else %>
-  <%= render Components::StaticPages::LoggedOut.new(stats: @global_stats) %>
+  <%= render Components::StaticPages::LoggedOut.new(stats: @global_stats, flavor_text: @flavor_text) %>
 <% end %>